i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
