mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
