Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Randomize
