I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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