Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
