no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
