i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
