got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
