so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
