just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
