around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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