My sheets look like a crime scene.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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