I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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