Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
