A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
