I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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