I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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