hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
