Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
