you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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