omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
A+ Viking dick
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
