I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
