70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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