I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
