FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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