I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
