jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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