yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Randomize
