You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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