but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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