WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
