just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
