We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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