Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
