a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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