; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Text me some of your sweat
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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