so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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