Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
