Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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