You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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