I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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