I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
