There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
