I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
