You just made me feel so damn special
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
His nipple licking is glorious
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