Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
