Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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