My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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