I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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