a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
