Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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