bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
