Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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