Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
