There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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