I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
