I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So many bounce houses so little time
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
